


Cornelius Plays Hide and Seek

by BarrytheBlaseballBoy



Category: Blaseball (Video Game)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-31
Updated: 2020-12-31
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:33:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28457625
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BarrytheBlaseballBoy/pseuds/BarrytheBlaseballBoy
Summary: A story about Corn playing a children's game.CW Naughty Words, sword fighting, shouting matches, demonic summoning rituals, and Arby's.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 3
Collections: Charleston Shoe Thieves Fanfiction





	Cornelius Plays Hide and Seek

CORNELIUS PLAY HIDE AND SEEK

A HORRIBLE IDEA BY BARRY

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
PREFACE - THE RULES

-The Head Seekers are Velasquez Alstott and Gunther O’Brian

-Players will have 3 minutes to hide before the Seekers emerge. The Seekers will Emerge from the Cafeteria.

-Players can hide anywhere on the Stadium area, but exiting them will result in an automatic find.

-Seekers will wear whistles around their necks. When a hider is found they will blow them. This will result in them being ‘found.’ Seekers must have visual contact with the hider when they blow the whistle, or it does not count.

-When a hider is found they automatically become a Seeker. The game ends when only one hider remains. That hider shall receive a prize. THERE IS NO TIME LIMIT.

-Participation is mandatory.

-Seekers and hiders working together is against the rules, and will be punished accordingly.

-Have fun!

REMAINING HIDERS:  
Hotbox Sato  
Richardson Games  
Simon Haley  
Stu Trololol  
Sebastian Woodman  
Howell Franklin  
Esme Ramsey  
Blood Hamburger  
Fitzgerald Wanderlust  
Tillman Henderson

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

CHAPTER 1 FITZ IS FOUND

*Int Thieves Laundry Room

Vela’s Whistle: *Tweet*

Vela: Found you!

Fitz: Aw, ya got me!

Vela: Go pick up your orange slices and get ready to become a Seeker Fitzy!

Fitz: Uhhh actually I’m allergic to oranges so I think I’ll just-

Vela: I said. Pick up the slices.

Fitz:

Fitz: Oh-kay.

*Exit Fitz*

*Vela pulls out a walkie talkie*

Vela: Snow Phoenix, come in Snow Phoenix.

Gunther: Snow Phoenix, what is it Solo Winds?

Vela: Cross Fitzgerald off of the board. 

Gunther: Okay. Nine hiders remain. Stay vigilant.

Vela: Over and out.

CHAPTER 2 CORN REALIZES HIS MISTAKE

*Int Shoe Thieves Lounge

Fitz: They got you too?

Corn: Excuse me?

Fitz: Well you’re not hiding. And you have a whistle around your neck.

Fitz: So I guess that means that you’re technically out of the game.

Corn: Uh yeah. I was the first out. Because this game sucks.

Corn: Like, if I wanted to waste my Saturday on pointless bullshit starring Velasquez Alstott and Gunther I’d put on Aladdin 2: Return of Jafar.

Fitz: It’s weird how much they like that movie.

Fitz: I think they like it more than the first one.

Corn: Anyway when everyone started hiding I just stood still outside the cafeteria door and let them ‘find’ me first. Now it’s just...sitting back and relaxing on the couch watching Judge Judy reruns until this nightmare ends.

Fitz: Alright. I thought you’d at least be interested in the prize.

Corn: Prize? What, like a full-sized Kit Kat bar? Or a lifetime supply of those erasers that look like farm animals? Or a fucking collection of-

Fitz: It’s a priority parking spot.

Corn:

Corn: Excuse me?

Fitz: Yeah they’re redoing the parking lot next week.

Fitz: So whoever wins gets the good parking spot.

Corn:

Corn: Excuse me.

CHAPTER 3 DICKSON GETS A PHONE CALL

*Ring Ring*

Dickson: Heya Corny, how are you doin’?

Corn: Have you gotten caught yet?

Corn: In the uhhhh

Corn: Hide and Seek Game.

Dickson: No...But uh, honestly?

Dickson: I think I’m over this…

Corn: No no no no no no no

Corn: Look, I’m going to become a seeker right now, you just uh-

Corn: Wait, where are you?

Dickson: I’m hiding in the dumpster under a pile of garbage.

Corn: Oh. That’s…

Corn: Look, I’ll be over there in a second, just stay hidden until then!

Corn: I just checked, and it’s you, Blood, Stu, Simon, Howell, Esme, Tillman, Hotbox, and Sebastian left.

Dickson: Wait you’re out?

Corn: Uh

Corn: Yeahhhh

Dickson: 

Dickson: HA!

Dickson: I beat you get fuckeddddddddd

Corn: Look you can gloat about it all you want at every morning when we park, just shut up and win this.

Corn: And uh

Corn: Start...shoveling more garbage on top of you. I’ll see you there.

Dickson: Okie Dokie.

CHAPTER 4 THE SUPER SPIES

*Int Howell’s Spy Room

Esme: Holy shit.

Howell: Yeah.

Howell: I set this place up as soon as I got transferred from Houston.

Esme: So you’ve been…

Esme: Spying on us?

Howell: No! I haven’t touched this room for…

Howell: God, probably 4 seasons now.

Esme: Still weird.

Howell: Yeah I had some gripes to go through.

Howell: Every Spies transfer has to bring in a bunch of stuff to grow out of that phase.

Howell: Speaking of, I should check to see if any of these spy gadgets expired.

Esme:

Esme: You uh

Esme: Go do that…

Howell: Okay, so invisible ink is expired.

Howell: Smoke bomb, expired.

Howell: Drake and Josh Box Set, expired.

Howell: Climbing equipment, expired.

Howell: Little plastic doll shaped like beloved actor Giancarlo Esposito, expired.

Howell: Invisible paper has also expired.

Howell: Oh shit! The glue bomb expires tomorrow! Lucky find!

Esme: Hey uhhh

Esme: Are these screens live?

Howell: Oh yeah, these cameras let us see all the rooms in Choux Stadium.

Howell: Well, most of the rooms.

Esme: So if a seeker had these...

Howell: They could find out where everyone else is hiding, yeah.

Howell: Look, Sebastian spray painted themself green and is laying down on the field.

Esme: How long do you think that’ll work for?

Howell: Thirty minutes, tops.

Esme: Five dollars says less than fifteen.

Howell: You’re on.

Esme: Oh look-

Esme: Isn’t that Dickson?

Esme: Why is he piling garbage on top of himself.

Howell: Ah the old stink and stealth manuver.

Howell: Rookie tactic but surprisingly effective to those that don’t know how to spot it.

Esme: I keep forgetting that you used to be a spy.

Howell: And that’s why I’m gonna win.

Howell: This place has a sealed entrance, multiple escape doors, it even has an isolated air system so even Hotbox can’t find us.

Esme: Yeah I’ve been meaning to ask-

Esme: If you have all of this, why did you let me join you?

Howell: Oh, because this game may not end for a few hours, and I’ll get lonely.

Howell: Plus this way I can keep my eyes on the biggest competition in the game.

Esme: Oooooh that’s tricky.

Esme: You’re a tricky guy Howell.

Esme:

Esme: So uhhhh

Esme: Do any of these TV’s have like...Netflix or anything?

Howell: Nope. But I do have one hooked up to a VCR with Season 2 of Everybody Loves Raymond.

Raymond: Nobody's gonna pay 20 dollars for a used thermos.

Frank: They will if it was used by the pope!

Esme: Do

Esme: Do you have any other tapes?

Howell: Yes-

Esme: OH THANK GOD

Howell: -But they expired.

Esme: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

CHAPTER 5 CORNELIUS THE SEEKER

*Int Seeker Headquarters AKA the Food Court

Corn: Hey uhhh

Corn: Wait Gunther what’s wrong?

Gunther: Nothing just I’ve been trying to make coffee all day but I can’t get hot water from these pipes no matter how hard I try.

Corn: Wait

Corn: Okay two things-

Corn: One, you’re using sink water to make coffee? Just boil it.

Corn: Two, can you even drink coffee? Isn’t that like

Corn: Bad for penguins?

Gunther: Eh. Maybe!

Corn:

Corn: I can never get a read on you Gunther and it terrifies me.

Gunther: Anyway what’s up?

Corn: I...I want to be a seeker.

Vela: Silly Corn, you’re already a seeker! Once a hider is found, they’re automatically drafted into seeker position.

Corn: Oh.

Vela: Yeah. Don’t forget, you can’t ally with hiders or else you’re disqualified and you’ll have to park

Vela: ON THE STREET

Corn: holy shit do you have that authority

Vela: Fuck around and find out, bitch.

Corn: Noted.

Gunther: Wait hold on-

Gunther: Fitz just texted me, he got Sebastian.

Corn: Wait really? Where was he?

CHAPTER 6 PINE’S PLAN GETS UNRAVELED

Sebastian: This plan is perfect.

*Sprinklers turn on*

Sebastian: Uh oh. 

CHAPTER 6.5 ESME WINS 5 DOLLARS

Howell: Shit.

CHAPTER 7 TILLMAN’S ULTIMATE STRATEGY

*Int Shoe Thieves Lounge

Tillman: Ha! He’s a cat that likes lasagna!

Snyder: Tillman stop reading fucking Garfield and hide!

Tillman: I am hiding.

Snyder: This is in no way hiding. 

Tillman: Sure it is. It’s called hiding in plain sight-

Snyder: That’s not what that FUCKING means!

Tillman: Wait wait shut up here comes Fitz-

Tillman: Hey!

Fitz: Oop, found you Tillman.

Tillman: Actually Snyder found me already. I’m just hanging out for now-

Fitz: Ah gotcha.

Fitz: Carry on then.

Snyder:

Snyder: This isn’t going to work.

Tillman: It’s only official if a seeker blows their whistle at you. And, as you can see, Fitz has yet to blow his whistle at me. I am technically still alive.

Tillman: Plus Hotbox is still in the game too, so we are still 2/3rds strong.

Tillman: No thanks to you, by the way.

Snyder: Fuck off I had a good hiding spot.

Tillman: You tried to dig a hole in the ground and bury yourself.

Snyder: Yeah, and?

Tillman:

Tillman: We were given 3 minutes to hide you moron.

Snyder: Look, all I’m saying is if I dug that hole I would’ve won.

Snyder: Anyway I’m going to order some Arby’s do you want anything?

Tillman: Yeah a different fucking restaurant to choose from.

Snyder: Fuck off! Arby’s has a good menu!

Tillman: Hey, if you want shitty Jersey Mike’s who am I to stop you?

Tillman: Now shut up I’m at the comic where Jon and Odie are revealed to have been dead for years.

Snyder:

Snyder: There’s zero way that’s real.

Tillman: October 23rd, 1989. Look it up!

Snyder:

Snyder: Holy shit Jim.

CHAPTER 8 CORN CHECKS IN

*Int Back Alley

Corn: Dickson?

Corn: Dickson? You can come out it’s just me.

Dickson: How do I know it’s really you?

Corn:

Corn: Well for starters if it wasn’t me you would’ve just given away your hiding spot.

Corn: You fuck.

Dickson: Hey, rude.

Dickson: At least I’m still in the game.

Corn: Alright, whatever.

Corn: I’m coming in-

*Corn slips*

Corn: Jeezus!

Dickson: Oh yeah watch out for that comically large patch of ice.

Corn: Ice? It’s fucking June!

Dickson: One of the pipes burst, must’ve be the cold water pipe.

Corn: Dickson that-

Corn: ...Whatever.

Corn: Look, I just came to make sure you’re okay-

Corn: I brought you your favorite snack-

Corn: A ziploc bag of only the white parts of the Oreo.

Dickson: Aw you know me too well babe!

Corn: Unfortunately.

Dickson: Anyway, what’s it like out there?

Corn: Well, it’s down to eight...Or seven because I guess Snyder found Tillman. 

Dickson: Huh...You think Howell and Simon are hiding together?

Corn: Maybe.

Corn: I don’t think anyone’s pairing off. If anything I’d think Hotbox and Snyder would’ve paired up.

Dickson: Yeah…

Dickson: I mean Hotbox has to be in the vents, right?

Corn: Well knowing where it is doesn’t count. You gotta get a visual.

Dickson: Fuck that’s right.

Corn: Anyway, I should get back to it.

Dickson: Don’t comically slip on the same comically large patch of ice again!

Corn: Wha-

Corn: FUCK!

CHAPTER 9 ESME WATCHES SEASON 2 EPISODE 8 OF EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND

*Int Howell’s Spy Room

Esme: So this entire episode is just two people arguing about what to put in a Children’s Book.

Howell: Yeah.

Esme: But then they end up writing just two different books? And then pit Aly against each of them?

Howell: Well that creates the conflict!

Esme: It’s like such a shitty conflict though...

Howell: I mean this is like

Howell: Considered to be the worst episode.

Esme: By who?

Howell: The Raymond forums.

Howell: We’re call the Ray-band.

Esme: That name sucks.

Howell: Yeah, but I’m not a big Ray-man.

Esme: Hey wait a minute-

Esme: Look at screen 4.

Howell: Holy shit.

Howell: That’s Corn and Dickson...But he’s not blowing the whistle.

Esme:

Esme: Those motherfuckers are teaming up

Howell: Damn, what kind of cowards would form an alliance in a game of Hide and Seek?

Esme: I know right?

Howell:

Esme:

Howell: I mean

Esme: Present company excluded of course.

Howell: Look, we did it first, and we’re both hiders.

Esme: Yeah, it’s totally different.

Esme: Anyway, do you have a USB stick anywhere?

Esme: I need to do something...

CHAPTER 10 CORN GETS A CALL

*Ring Ring*

Corn: Hello?

Vela: Solo Winds to Malachai, come in Malachai!

Corn: Wait why are you Solo Winds?

Vela: Cause I’m going to blow you away.

Corn: Fuck, whatever.

Corn: Anyway what’s up?

Vela: Checking in. What’re you up to?

Corn: Well I’m in the bathroom.

Vela: Ewwwwwwwwww

Corn: I’m just washing my hands!

Vela: Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

Corn: HOW IS THAT EW?!

Vela: It isn’t I just like fucking with you.

Corn:

Corn: God you’re such a child.

Vela: Only sometimes.

Corn: Whatever. Hey is something up with the pipes? This water is freezing…

Vela: Yeah it’s weird. None of us have been able to get hot water all morning.

Corn: Wait.

Corn:

Corn: Meet me in the Boiler Room.

CHAPTER 11 THEY GO TO THE BOILER ROOM AS PREVIOUSLY STATED

*Int Boiler Room

Corn: Okay did you bring the crowbar?

Vela: You

Vela: You never asked me to bring a crowbar.

Corn: What?

Corn: I totally did.

Vela: No you fucking didn’t.

Corn: Fine just-

Corn: Get a crowbar.

CHAPTER 12 SHE GETS A CROWBAR

Vela: Okay, here.

Corn: Thanks.

Vela: Hey

Vela: Hey

Corn: What

Vela: Look, Gordon! We made it black into Back Mesa!

Corn: What?

Corn: What are you referencing?

Vela: You don’t know Half-Life VR: But the AI is Self-Aware? What are you, forty?

Corn: Yes. Yes I am forty.

Vela:

Vela: Look Gordon, ropes!

Vela: We can use these to cross pits-Help me Gordon!

Corn: Ignoring you now.

Vela: You're a nasty little sewage boy, aren't you, Dr. Freeman?

Corn: Now...If I’m right…

*Corn opens the boiler lid.*

Corn’s Whistle: *Tweet!*

Simon: Ah son of a bitch!

Corn: Yeah, only someone with a body temperature of under -70 degrees Celsius could fucking freeze pipes in June.

Simon: Oh well, I guess I had a good run.

Corn: To be honest I half-expected Howell to be there too.

Simon: Nah, Howell’s probably in his ‘super secret’ spy bunker.

Corn: Wait what?

Simon: He got high with Tillman one time and told me all about it.

Simon: Then again he also told me his favorite book of all time was ‘Menus.’

Simon: So the information may be shaky.

Corn: Fuck it, I’m game.

CHAPTER 13 THE GREAT BUNKER BREAK IN

*Int Howell’s Spy Bunker

Howell: Hey uh

Howell: We got a problem?

Esme: I’ll tell you what’s a problem-

Esme: Everybody Loves Raymond is starting to grow on me.

Howell: Oh. Well we’ll unpack that later.

Howell: The Seekers are trying to break into the bunker.

Esme: Oh shit!

Howell: Yeah it’s not very bueno.

Howell: If I’m being honest.

Esme: Okay, but it’s password protected, right?

Howell: Yeah. There’s no way they’ll guess it!

CHAPTER 14 THEY GUESS IT ALMOST INSTANTLY

*Int Payphone Entrance to Howell’s Bunker.  
Corn: Oh so that’s why we have a broken payphone in the middle of the hallway.

Fitz: And it has a little keyboard too!

Fitz: It’s weird how no one noticed this before.

Corn: Okay, Simon do you know the password?

Simon: No unless his password is-

Simon: “Yo do you think Sexton Wheerer has two sets of internal organs? Also what happened to my fingers?”

Fitz:

Fitz: To clarify it wasn’t that.

Simon: Huh.

Corn: Try...Password.

Fitz: Nope.

Corn: Try...Password but make the o a zero.

Fitz: Passw0rd?

Fitz: Okay here goes.

CHAPTER 15 YEAH THAT WAS IT

Howell: FUCK

Esme: Why was your password literally Password?

Howell: I made the o a zero!

Esme: You suck.

Esme: You suck so hard dude.

Howell: Yeah a little.

Howell: Anyway, there’s an escape chute that leads to the alleyway behind us and seals behind. It’ll be a little close but if we both-

Esme: Both?

Esme: Sorry Howell, but I’m playing to win.

Howell: Wait

Howell: What?

Esme: Glue bomb.

Howell: Glue bomb?

Howell: SHI-

CHAPTER 16 HOWELL GETS HIT BY A GLUE BOMB

Howell: -T!

Esme: Hey Howell why don’t you uh

Esme: Stick around?

Howell:

Howell: Boooooo

Esme: Shut up that was funny.

Esme: At the very least it was an 7.

Howell: I’ll give it a 2 for originality but a 8 for timing.

Esme: I’ll take it. See you later, fucker.

Howell: Ouch.

Esme: Okay that was a little mean.

Esme: See you later, fricker.

Howell: Better.

Esme: And one more thing-

*Esme throws a chair at the screens, shattering it*

Esme: I lied.

Esme: Everybody Loves Raymond still sucks.

*Esme starts to go down the escape chute but stops herself*

Esme: Wait to clarify we’re cool right?

Howell: Oh yeah it’s just a game.

Howell: I don’t mind a bad parking spot.

Esme: Okay just checking bye!

*Esme goes down the chute.*

*Corn, Fitz, and Simon enter*

Fitz’s Whistle: *Tweet!*

Corn: Howell, you’re out.

Simon: And uhhh

Simon: Stuck to the wall.

Corn: Yeah what the fuck happened?

Howell: Uhhh

Howell: I accidentally set off a glue bomb.

Howell: Whoops!

Simon: 

Simon: Alright let’s get you unstuck.

Simon: Give me a hand guys.

Corn: Uhhh

Corn: Hold on I need to

Corn: Make up an excuse somewhere else.

*Exit Corn*

*Enter Corn*

Corn: Hey real quick Howell are these smoke bombs up for grabs?

Howell: Uhhhhh

Corn: Thanks bye!

*Corn grabs a smoke bomb and leaves*

CHAPTER 17 CORN CHECKS IN AGAIN

*Int Alleyway

Corn: Hey Dickson, are you still there?

Corn: I picked up a smoke bomb from Howell’s place, I know how much you like them.

Corn: ...Dickson?

*Corn opens the dumpster to find Richardson tied up*

Corn: Holy shit Dickson!

*Corn jumps in and unties him*

Corn: Who did this to you?

Esme: I did.

CHAPTER 18 ESME CASHES IN

Esme: What’s up fuckers

Corn: 

Corn’s Whistle: 

Esme: I wouldn’t do that if I were you.

Esme: Unless you want to park on the street.

Corn: What?

Esme: That’s right.

Esme: I have video of your first little meetup saved.

Dickson: She’s bluffing Corn, blow the whistle!

Esme: Corn fell off the same patch of ice twice.

Dickson:

Dickson: She’s not bluffing Corn!

Corn: I figured that out Dickson.

Corn: What’s your play here, Esme?

Esme: Simple. There are five hiders remaining. Two of us are here, but the other three are so well hidden that it’d be damn near impossible to find them.

Esme: So I figured that I’d give you a little push.

Corn: What is this anime villain bullshit

Esme: Well, it’s simple-

*Esme hops in the dumpster*

Esme: I’ll hide with Dickson here. When you get Stu, Blood, and Hotbox, then I’ll hide somewhere else and the game can be settled fair and square.

Esme: If you tell anyone where I am, Golden Boy gets found too. 

Dickson: “Golden boy?”

Dickson: Corny have you been calling me “Golden Boy?”

Dickson: I thought you hated nicknames.

Corn: Not important.

Dickson: I think it’s very important.

Dickson: I have like 15 nicknames for you and I never get to use them.

Corn: We’ll talk later okay?

Dickson: Okay Neil.

Corn: Neil?

Dickson: Like Cor-NEIL-ius?

Corn: 

Corn: Ughhhhhh

Esme: Well Neil?

Esme: Get to it.

Corn:

Corn: You’re the worst.

Esme: Sucks to suck, bitch!

CHAPTER 19 TILLMAN’S GAMBIT

*Int Shoe Thieves Lounge

Corn: Tillman, you’re kind of the worst seeker.

Tillman: Well

Tillman: I wouldn’t call myself a seeker.

Corn: Whatever.

Corn: You know Hotbox, right?

Tillman: What do you mean?

Tillman: Do you not know Hotbox?

Corn:

Corn: We’ve just never really...talked.

Tillman: You’ve been on the same team for 7 seasons and a Siesta.

Tillman: I think you’re just an asshole at this point.

Corn: Well, it’s not like we’re strangers!

Tillman: What team did Hotbox play for before joining the Thieves?

Corn:

Corn: Didn’t it play sloccer in another dimension?

Tillman: WOW

Tillman: You’re a fucking dickhead.

Corn: Shut up, just tell me stuff about it.

Tillman: Why, so you can find it and take the parking space away?

Tillman: I don’t think so.

Corn: Hotbox doesn’t even drive.

Corn: I don’t even think it leaves the stadium.

Tillman: Ok fair but still.

Corn: Come on, just tell me like-

Corn: What’s it’s favorite show?

Tillman: How should I know? All it watches are sitcoms but then all it talks about is how much sitcoms suck!

Corn: Wait.

Corn: ...I can’t believe I’m saying this but…

Corn: Thanks, Tillman.

Tillman: Go fuck yourself.

*Exit Corn*

*Enter Corn*

Corn: Hey just to clarify you’re not like

Corn: Still in the game and are pretending to be out because no one’s blown the whistle at you technically making you hidden in plain sight right?

Corn: Meaning that if I blow the whistle right now your game is effectively over and I can win more easily?

Tillman:

Tillman: Pfft, of course not!

Corn: Just checking.

CHAPTER 20 MEDIA CRITICISM STARRING CORNELIUS GAMES

*Int Shoe Thieves Lounge

Fitz: Why did you call me in here Corn?

Corn: Because I need your help.

*Corn hands Fitz a script*

Corn: Here, read this when I cue you.

Fitz: What?

Corn: Just do it!

Corn: OH BOY.

Corn: I SURE DO HATE COMMUNITY THE SHOW.

Fitz: What?

Corn: Just read your lines! 

Corn: Trust me.

Fitz:

Fitz: YEAH. DAN HARMON THINKS THAT SNARK AND CALLBACKS TO POP CULTURE THAT IS OLDER THAN MOST OF THE AUDIENCE COUNTS AS JOKES

Fitz: BUT BOY HOWDY

Fitz: ‘Boy Howdy?’ Corn what the fuck-

Corn: Just read it!

Fitz: BUT BODY HOWDY DO THEY FALL FLAT CONSTANTLY AND ALSO DANNY PUDI AND DONALD GLOVER HAVE NO CHEMISTRY WHATSOEVER

Corn: SEASON FOUR IS MY FAVORITE.

Corn: AND ALSO I THINK PIERCE ONLY GOT FUNNIER IN THE LATER SEASONS

Fitz: I AGREE WITH ALL THOSE POINTS AND ALSO SAY THAT IT IS A…

Fitz: Corn I think I’ll get fired if I say this.

Corn: Fine whatever, just like-

Corn: YOU KNOW WHATS A GOOD SHOW? FRIENDS. ALSO THE OFFICE. I CANT CHOOSE BETWEEN THE TWO.

Fitz: NO YOU KNOW WHAT’S THE BEST SITCOM? 

Corn: THE BIG BANG THEORY!

*A loud thump is heard from the vents*

Corn: Okay, that should do it. Fitz, now!

*Fitz turns on the AC*

??????: No no no no no no no no fuck!

*Hotbox comes spilling out of the air vent.*

Corn: Gotcha Hotbox!

Corn: I knew you couldn’t resist gravitating towards sitcom opinions you fucking snob.

Corn: And then it was just a matter of getting you to reveal yourself.

Fitz: Huh.

Hotbox: Okay but do you actually hate Community?

Corn: Uhhhhh

Corn: I’ve never seen Community.

Hotbox: YOU’VE NEVER SEEN COMMUNITY?!?!

Snyder: Did someone say Community?

Corn: Oh hey Snyder, we’re about to get Hotbox.

Snyder: Wait, has no one blown the whistle yet?

Corn: Well technically-

Corn: OOMPH!

Snyder: Run Hotbox! They can’t technically say you’re out unless you blow the whistle!

*Exit Hotbox*

Corn: I’m telling Vela!

Corn: You’re gonna be parking on the street for the rest of your life!

Snyder: I

Snyder: I don’t own a car.

Corn: Oh.

Snyder: Sucks to suck, bro.

Corn: Wait Fitz why the fuck didn’t you blow your whistle?

Fitz: I don’t know.

Fitz: I’m bored.

Corn: Fuck you, I’m going after it!

CHAPTER 21 BOX ON THE RUN

Hotbox’s Internal Monologue: Okay Hotbox, you’re a little fucked.

Hotbox’s Internal Monologue: I mean, there’s no exit in sight, you can’t go through the vents, and you only have one star of baserunning.

Hotbox’s Internal Monologue: But hey, you got this. You gotta win!

Hotbox’s Internal Monologue: Even thought you don’t drive a car!

Hotbox’s Internal Monologue: You’re going to win that parking space for…

Hotbox’s Internal Monologue: For…

Hotbox: Wait why do I care about this?

Hotbox: None of the Smokehouse except Tillman owns a car.

Hotbox: And I don’t even like Tillman’s car.

Hotbox: I don’t even like hide and seek!

Sebastian’s Whistle: *Tweet*

Sebastian: You’re out Hotbox.

Hotbox: Aw son of a bitch!

Hotbox: I forgot you were even in this.

Sebastian: Yeah, most people do…

Hotbox: Wait how did you blow the whistle, aren’t you like a solid statue?

Sebastian: Yosh made it so I have built-in clarinet-like properties now.

Sebastian: Want to hear Klaus Baldet’s 2003 hit song He’s a Pirate?

Hotbox:

Hotbox: Fuck yeah.

CHAPTER 22 ESME AND DICKSON 

Dickson: 

Esme: Are you mad at me?

Dickson: Only a little. You did tie me up in a dumpster and then trick my husband into doing dirty work with no real insurance that you won’t just leave me tied up here and win the game yourself.

Esme: Yeah that wasn’t very cash money of me.

Dickson: Yeah.

Esme:

Dickson:

Esme:

Dickson: So why do you care?

Esme: Excuse me?

Dickson: Why do you care about this stupid parking spot?

Dickson: I get why Corn cares.

Esme: Wait why does Corn care?

Dickson: Because he’s a child. 

Dickson: He’ll do anything for status, and having something like ‘the nicest parking spot’ is something he’ll go to the ends of the planet for.

Esme: So why do you put up with it?

Dickson: What do you mean?

Esme: You’ve wasted your Saturday in the bottom of a dumpster for something you don’t want for someone who doesn’t deserve it.

Esme: It sounds like a pretty raw deal.

Dickson: Look, it’s more about doing this together.

Esme: Really?

Esme: Because it doesn’t look like you’re together.

Dickson:

Dickson: Alright, fine, you wanna play that way?

Dickson: Why do you want the parking spot so bad?

Dickson: Is it some kind of superiority complex or is it just because you can’t stand losing?

Esme: Well no one likes to lose.

Dickson: Your car isn’t even nice! It’s, what, 14 years old?

Esme: It was a hand-me-down, sure.

Dickson: Hand-me-down? This dumpster is only slightly less dirty than your car.

Dickson: And reminder, it is a literal fucking dumpster.

Esme: Well-

Dickson: Is it because Corn wants it? I know you don’t like him but are you really tying me up to settle a fucking decade long beef with Corn?

Dickson: Or is it-

Esme: I DESERVE NICE THINGS, OKAY?!

Dickson:

Dickson: what

Esme: Look I-

Esme: I’m sick and tired of losing right when things start to go well.

Esme: We finally win a championship? We end up cursed.

Esme: I finally get a blessing and it gives me ghost headaches.

Esme: I finally make a good friend, and they get incinerated and their dog gets sent away for the person who did it to them.

Esme: And then I punch her and everyone thinks I’m the asshole.

Esme: I get a busted coffee cup team with Nagomi fucking McDaniel? We lose to Corn’s team.

Esme: I finally, after years of asking, get a fucking decent parking space because I’ve been here since the founding of the internet league? They redo the fucking Parking Lot.

Esme: And now is my only chance to get it back.

Esme: And Corn is cheating. You understand that what he’s doing is against the rules, right?

Dickson:

Dickson: Well for one thing,

Dickson: I was rooting for us to beat Corn in the coffee cup.

Esme: Yeah?

Dickson: Yeah. He will not shut up about it. It’s been months and he’s yet to shut up about it.

Esme: He didn’t even play all that well!

Dickson: RIGHT?!

Esme: God, and I know literally none of our fanbase was rooting for him.

Dickson: If Stu would’ve won that would’ve been classic.

Esme: Yeahh.

Dickson: It’d be perfect.

Esme: He’s such an ass.

Dickson: The worst.

Esme: So why are you-

Dickson: I don’t know. I still love him, but...The competition brings out the worst in us. I guess it’s just nice to be on the same team again.

Esme:

Esme: Look I’m sorry for-

Dickson: Don’t. I said way worse things. I’m really sorry, Esme.

Dickson: Let’s just…

Dickson: Wait it out.

CHAPTER 23 CORN AND SEBASTIAN GO GROCERY SHOPPING

*Int Sebastian’s 2018 Hyundai Elantra

Sebastian: 

Corn:

Sebastian: So uh do you want me to put on the radio?

Corn: No I love sitting in silence, Seb.

Corn: Almost as much as I love having to do Gunther’s groceries!

Corn:

Corn: That was sarcastic by the way.

Sebastian: I figured.

Corn: But it does seem weird we have to go to the butcher’s.

Sebastian: Technically this is part of the game.

Sebastian: How exactly, I don’t know...

Corn: Yeah, have you read what we’re supposed to get?

Corn: Gunther has some weird ideas.

Sebastian: Yeah.

Sebastian:

Sebastian: You know

Sebastian: We’ve never hung out.

Corn: Sure we have Seb!

Sebastian: No. You hung out with the one known as Sebastian Townsend, not Sebastian Woodman.

Corn: Well what about that time we…

Corn: Uh...

Sebastian: Cornelius

Cornelius: You can call me Corn, Seb.

Seb: Cornelius, we have never hung out. I would remember if we did.

Corn: Well I mean, this is kind of hanging out!

Corn: We’re uhhhh

Corn: Vibing.

Corn: Is that what the kids call it?

Sebastian:

Sebastian: Can I ask you a question?

Corn: You just did.

Sebastian: Do not be a asshole.

Corn: Whoa did you just swear?

Sebastian: I’ve been getting into it.

Sebastian: How did I do?

Corn: ‘Asshole’ is kind of a beginner swear but your execution was flawless.

Sebastian: Thanks.

Sebastian: Anyway-Why do you care about this game so much?

Sebastian: I assume you want Dickson to win…

Corn: Of course I want Dickson to win!

Sebastian: But why? Is the parking space that important to you?

Corn: Well it’s not that important...

Sebastian: Corn this is the most effort I’ve seen you put into something aside from Blaseball or yourself.

Corn: Look I just want a nice parking space.

Corn: No need to read any further into it.

Corn:

Corn: Can I just say that you have a weirdly nice car. Like this is the cleanest Hyundai Elantra I’ve ever seen.

Corn: Granted I have only seen like two other Hyundai Elantras.

Corn: But this is the nicest.

Sebastian:

Sebastian: Let’s put on the radio.

Radio: Welcome back to 100 Gecs Radio, the only station that only plays only 100 Gecs all the time!

Radio: Up next, is Stupid Horse, followed by 800db Cloud, and we’re rounding out the hour with Hand Crushed by a Mallet!

Corn: God.

Corn: When did radio get so good?

Sebastian: I know right?

CHAPTER 24 CORN ENGAGES IN A DEMONIC SUMMONING RITUAL

*Int Seeker Headquarters

Corn: Okay we’re back with the-

Corn: Wait why is it so dark in here?

???????: Hello my child.

??????: We are the dark council.

????: Come further and join our dark fraternity.

Corn:

Corn: Howell why are you, Gunther, and Vela in dark robes?

Howell: It’s for the aethestic!

Corn: Right…

Corn: Anyway here’s the…

Corn: “Gallon of blood from an alligator who has seen the edge and lived to tell the tale.”

Corn: and the “Finest salt of the darkest cave of the deepest mine in Charleston”

Vela: Did you remember my Sprite?

Corn: No, I got you a Sierra Mist instead though.

Vela: Every fucking time!

Corn:

Corn: Well do you not want the Sierra Mist?

Vela: Of course I want the Sierra Mist!

Vela: But I also want to be mad about not getting one of the two drinks that taste exactly alike!

Corn: Ok.

Vela:

Vela: I’m done being mad give the soda.

Corn: Sure.

Gunther: Hey Corny

Corn: Don’t call me that.

Gunther: Corny-Worny

Corn: Worse.

Corn: Even contains the first thing I told you not to call me in it.

Gunther: Corny, can you and Sebastian pwease pick up a candle and put on these robes and stand at the edge of the circle?

Sebastian: Sure.

Sebastian: But only because you said ‘Pwease.’

Gunther: Vela are we all set?

Vela: Yep! Just need to throw a little more alligator blood at the center…

Vela: There we go!

Gunther: Alright then...

Gunther: Ahem.

Gunther: In gram idoneitatem pacer multistage aerobic capacitatem est difficile test magis accipit quod gradatim fiat. XX ad XXX seconds per meter pacer test incipiam. Satus ad aciem. Et incipit lente currit celeritate, inter se tamen momento post te audierit accipit citius hoc signum. A gremio uno tempore auditis his perficiantur inter sonus. Memento currere per lineam rectam, et ut diu ut potest currere. Gremium ante perficere non iterum te simplex, est expertus. In test incipiam Verbum in initio. Ad te signum, ut paratus, incipit.

*The center of the circle begins to shake, as a dark figure arises*

?????:: WHO DARES AWAKEN ME FROM MY ETERNAL SLUMBER

?????: SPEAK NOW OR BE ERADICATED

Gunther’s Whistle: *tweet*

Gunther: Found you Blood!

Blood: Aw shucks, you did?

Blood: Well, good game guys! 

Corn:

Corn: What the fu-

CHAPTER 25 CORN CHECKS IN

*Int Alleyway

Corn: Hey guys-

Esme: Oh shit shut up shut up

Dickson: Ok!

Corn:

Corn: You two weren’t talking about me.

Esme: Oh noooooooooooo

Dickson: Definitely not.

Esme: Nope!

Dickson: Not at all.

Esme: Definitely not about your knees.

Corn: What’s

Corn: What’s wrong with my knees?

Dickson: Pffft he doesn’t realize

Esme: Holy shit there’s no way he doesn’t know by now.

Corn:

Corn: So anyway you’re in the top 3.

Corn: But for the life of me I can’t fucking find Stu.

Esme: Well do you think she’s out of bounds?

Corn: No, Vela says she’d know if Stu was out of bounds…

Dickson: Did you check her airship?

Corn: Her airship isn’t even here, Dickson.

Dickson: Really?

Dickson: I could’ve sworn I saw it this morning…

Corn: Wait.

Corn: I need to call Simon.

CHAPTER 26 ASTROLOGY WITH CORNELIUS GAMES

*Int Simon Haley’s Very Nice Apartment in Walking Distance of the Stadium

*Corn is looking through a telescope*

Corn: Fuck.

Corn: She’s been above us this whole time.

Simon: Well can’t we blow the whistle on her now?

Corn: No, because we technically can’t see her.

Simon: And she’s technically in Choux Stadium airspace meaning…

Simon: She’s not out of bounds!

Corn:

Corn: We need to assemble the Seekers.

CHAPTER 27 THE GREAT AIRSHIP ASSAULT

*Int Seeker HQ.

Corn: Okay, so according to my calculations, Stu’s airship is about 25,000 feet above us.

Corn: So we’re going to need to form a team to get us up to that height, land, and then find Stu in the bridge where she’s likely maintaining that altitude.

*Gunther raises his hand*

Corn: What is it Gunther?

Gunther: Can I use the bathroom

Corn: Gunther you don’t need to ask you can just use it

Howell: Oh wait we don’t need to ask?

Snyder: I just assumed we needed to ask.

*75% of the room gets up and leaves*

Corn:

Corn: So what that leaves me, Hotbox, and Sebastian?

Sebastian: No, I’m out.

*Exit Sebastian*

Corn:

Corn: Hotbox can you fly me up to the airship?

Hotbox: Yeah, but I don’t do super well high up.

Hotbox: High wind-speeds and all that.

Corn: And then what?

Hotbox: Well I guess uh...Put me in a bottle until we get into the interior.

Corn: Fine, whatever-

Hotbox: And make it a nice bottle! None of that plastic shit, I want glass.

Corn: ...I can put you in this metal water bottle I got for my birthday.

Corn: It’s shaped it a dumbbell.

Hotbox: Oooh luxury!

*Enter Simon*

Simon: I just remembered I can’t use the bathroom because I technically don’t have a digestive system.

Corn:

Corn: Gross.

CHAPTER 28 HOTBOX AIRLINES

Corn: Okay so how is this going to work

Hotbox: Have you ever seen LOST?

Corn: Nope.

Hotbox: Me neither.

*Hotbox surrounds Corn and picks him up*

Corn: Huh.

Corn: I should really watch LOST now that I think about it

Hotbox: Yeah, it’s got JJ Abrams, Matthew Fox, Jorge Garcia, Evangeline Lily…

Corn: Ooh nice.

Hotbox: Anyway

*Hotbox flies up onto the airship*

Corn: Alright I’m on.

Hotbox: Hey Corn? Remember how I said I don’t do well at high wind speeds?

Corn: Yeah?

Hotbox: Corn I’m being blown away.

Hotbox: Like Solo Wiiiiinds!

Corn: Oh shit right!

*Corn grabs Hotbox and puts it in a bottle*

Corn: Okay, you’re safe.

Corn: Now let’s get to the main deck and find Stu!

Charlatan Seabright: Not if I have anything to say about it.

CHAPTER 29 SPECIAL GUEST APPEARANCE CHARLATAN SEABRIGHT

Corn: Charlatan Seabright?

Captain Seabright: That’s Captain Seabright to you!

Corn: Can

Corn: Can I just call you Charlie?

Charlie:

Charlie: Fine, whatever.

Charlie: It matters not! You will soon be forced to walk the plank!

Corn: Wait what

Charlie: With a parachute of course.

Corn: Phew…

Charlie: Yeah we’re not monsters. However!

Charlie: Madam Trololol will emerge as the victor of this game of Hide and Seek!

Charlie: For it is very hard to find ample parking for an airship at the stadium.

Corn: Oh.

Corn: Yeah that seems valid.

Corn: I still want it though.

Charlie: Then you must face me in sword-to-sword combat.

*Charlie tosses Corn a Sword*

Charlie: PIck up your blade so that Noelle can destroy it.

Corn: Noelle?

Charlie: That’s

Charlie: That’s what I named my sword.

Corn: You name your swords?

Charlie: Any blade without a name is cursed to-

Corn: I’m not naming my sword.

Corn: In fact I...I don’t know if I want it.

Charlie: But you must face me in-

Corn: Like if I use a fork a lot I don’t name a fork.

Corn: In fact I’ll probably use a plastic fork more times than I’ll use this sword!

Corn: Which is like...zero.

Corn: But I’m not gonna name the fork like

Corn: Percival

Corn: Or

Corn: Oathkeeper.

Corn: Wait actually Oathkeeper is a cool fucking name.

Charlie: Do you have a point in all this?

Corn: Naming swords is dumb.

Charlie:

Corn: Also swords are dumb.

Corn: Why does everyone use swords? Why not battleaxes?

Corn: Now there’s a cool weapon. Or Halberds! Fucking love a good halberd. 

Corn: Why couldn’t you have a halberd, you fuckin’ cliché?

Charlie:

Charlie: I am going to kick you off the airship now.

Corn: Shit.

Howell: Not so fast!

CHAPTER 30 THE BARK KNIGHT RISES

*Howell lands on the deck.*

Howell: Corn, go find Stu.

Howell: I’ll hold off Charlie.

Corn: Wait how did you get up here?

Howell: The power of friendship!

Simon: Actually I flew him up here.

Howell: But since you’re my best friend it’s the power of the friendship.

Simon:

Simon: Awwwwww.

Corn: Ok see you.

Corn: Wait this door’s locked!

Charlie: Yes, and I have the key around my neck.

Charlie: If you wish to find Stu, you must win the key in a duel!

Charlie:

Charlie: Yarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Howell: Oh god she just yarrred.

Howell: This is super cool, thanks so much Corn!

Corn: God, okay, are you going to fight Charlie or what?

Howell: Sure I am!

Charlie: Very well.

Charlie: HOWELL FRANKLIN!

Charlie: Prepare to taste my blade!

Howell: Sorry, I can’t.

Howell: My doctor says I have too much iron in my diet!

Corn:

Corn: Jesus Christ Howell…

CHAPTER 31 SEABRIGHT VS FRANKLIN

*Charlie charges at Howell, who dodges and tries to sweep the leg*

*Charlie jumps over it and slashes downward, for Howell to roll away next to Corn*

Corn: Howell when did you learn how to fight?

Howell: Father-daughter karate at the YMCA.

*Howell enters a defense stance*

Howell: Advanced class.

*Howell continues to dodge Charlies attacks, who in turn prevents any counters from Howell. This goes on for a while, and in the end they have yet to land a blow on either of them*

*Soon they have created a relative distance between the two*

Howell: You fight pretty good for someone who’s half-dead.

Charlie: And you fight pretty good for an aging widower with a body odor problem and no real direction in life.

Howell: 

Howell: W-what?

Charlie: Holy shit.

Charlie: Oh my god I went too far I’m sorry.

Howell: That was so mean…

Charlie: Oh my god please don’t cry I thought we were just doing banter

Charlie: Shit shit Stu tells me I go to far and I don’t listen to her fuckkkkkk

*Corn snatches the key from Charlie’s neck.*

Corn: Okay bye keep your freakshow to yourselves next time!

*Corn opens the door and locks it behind him*

Charlie: What?

Howell: Hah! That was our plan all along! I’m secretly super emotionally adjusted!

Charlie:

Charlie: You’re still crying a little.

Howell: It’s…

Howell: It’s been a rough week.

CHAPTER 32 STU-PID HORSE

Corn: Stu

Corn:

Corn: Stu come on.

Corn: I’m going to find you eventually…

Stu: Corn, I know you and Esme are having like a tiff about this but

Stu: I need this parking space.

Stu: Do you know how hard it is to park a fucking blimp

Stu: It’s damn near impossible!

Stu: But if I get a priority spot I can have them customize it.

Stu: No more having to park on top of the parking garage!

Stu: Only bliss…

Corn: Stu if you do that you’ll take up the entire parking lot!

Stu: Sucks to suck.

Corn: Why is everyone saying Sucks to suck now?

Corn: You are like the 3rd person to say to me today.

Stu:

Stu: I’m not coming out…

Corn: Fine, here.

*Corn throws his whistle out of the blimp.*

Corn: Let’s talk it out, okay?

Stu:

*Stu appears from behind a pile of Worms on Strings*

Stu: Fine.

Stu: Let’s talk.

Corn: Yeah, but you see…

Corn: I’m not alone.

*Corn reaches into his jacket and opens the bottle containing Hotbox Sato.*

Hotbox: HAH!

Hotbox’s Whistle: *Tweet*

Corn: You’re out Stu! Sucks to suck!

Stu: Aw goddamnit.

Stu: I can’t believe I lost to fucking Esme and Dickie.

Hotbox: And Tillman!

Corn: No, Tillman’s out.

Hotbox: No he’s doing the thing where he pretends to be out when in reality he’s still in the game because no one blew the whistle at him.

Hotbox: And he told me not to tell anyone.

Hotbox:

Hotbox: Wait shit.

Corn: Fuck!

Corn: Hotbox take us down!

Hotbox: No.

Corn: ...Stu?

Stu: Nah.

Corn: Simon?

Charlie: Simon and Howell left like a few minutes ago.

Charlie: Something about ‘Emotional Support Coldstone.’

Corn: Ew, Coldstone?

Stu: Wait you hate Coldstone?

Stu: How do you hate Coldstone, it’s literally just ice cream.

Corn: No if it was ‘just ice cream’ I wouldn’t hate it.

Corn: It’s trying too hard to be Ice Cream and a Bakery and a Coffee Shop it should stick to one thing because it’s good at none of them!

Stu: God.

Stu: I can’t believe you hate Coldstone Creamery.

Corn:

Corn: Fuck it, I’m skydiving.

*Corn steals a parachute.*

CHAPTER 33 CORN DROPS IN

*Int Alleyway

Esme: Stu just texted me.

Esme: She’s out.

Dickson: So we’re the final two, yeah?

Esme: Mhm.

Esme: Well, best of luck Dickson.

Esme: Give ‘em hell.

*Exit Esme*

Dickson:

Dickson: She forgot to untie me.

*THUMP*

Corn: Whoa!

Corn: That was my first try and I landed right on it!

Dickson: Corn?

Corn: Hey, Dickson, let me untie you really quick-

Dickson: Hey uhhh can we talk?

Corn: Sure but first, Tillman is still in the game.

Corn: And with Esme that means we should probably move you before she tells anyone you’re in here.

Dickson: Corn I think we should let her win.

Corn:

Corn: What?

Dickson: I think she needs this more than you do Corn.

Dickson: Besides, we did cheat. You shouldn’t get the parking space.

Corn: Wait, do you think I’m doing this for me?

Dickson: Yeah. It’s a competition, everything you do is for-

Corn: Did you honestly forget?

Dickson: Forget what?

CHAPTER 0 DAY 84, SEASON 4

*Int Shoe Thieves Batting Practice

Corn: Alright, good work team!

Corn: We’re definitely gonna make the playoffs if we keep this pace up!

Workman: I don’t know, even if we make it we’re facing the Firefighters.

Corn: Pffft, the Firefighters aren’t so tough.

Corn: Anyway does anyone else feel hot in here?

Corn: I feel really hot right now.

Kevin: Look, Richardson will show up eventually.

*Ring Ring*

Corn: Oh shit that’s mine.

Corn: Hello?

Dickson: Hey Corny I’m sorry I’m gonna be a little late.

Dickson: Parking’s a nightmare. I can’t find a single fucking spot.

Dickson: But I’ll be over real soon I promise.

Corn: Okay...

Corn: Bye.

*Click*

Beasley: Woof.

Corn:

Corn: You always know what to say, Beasley.

CHAPTER 33.5 BACK TO REALITY

Corn: That was the first day you were on our team.

Corn: The first time we ever really worked together.

Corn: And when I heard the prize was a parking spot, I realized I could fix the first problem you ever had on this team.

Dickson:

Dickson: Holy shit you remembered that?

Corn: Of course!

Corn: Seeing you on this team was one of the happiest days of my life, babe.

Dickson:

Dickson: We’re winning this.

Corn: FUCK YEAH WE ARE!

Blood: Yo is everything alright?

Corn:

Corn: Yes I was just shouting at the garbage.

Blood: Oooh, been there buddy.

Blood: Trust me, whatever you do-Do not listen to it’s advice.

*Exit Blood*

Corn: Okay we need to move you.

CHAPTER 34 HOWELL AND SIMON RETURN FROM COLDSTONE

*Int Choux Stadium Parking Lot

Howell: So like

Howell: You’ve never met Ren Hunter?

Simon: Yeah I just have never been in the same room as her.

Howell: Not even when she visits here?

Simon: Nope.

Simon: It’s just one of those things.

Howell: Dude you two would totally hit it off

Simon: Everyone says that!

Simon: And I agree, she sounds lovely, but I don’t want to call this person I’ve never met and say “Hey everyone says we’d be cool let’s hang out”

Howell: Okay, how about next time I see her I’ll call you?

Simon: Yo holy shit is that?

Declan: Hey guys

CHAPTER 35 SPECIAL GUEST APPEARANCE DECLAN SUZANNE

Howell: Declan? What are you doing here?

Declan: I uhhhh

Declan: Lent some fans to Tillman.

Declan: So I’m back for them.

Simon: Your...fans?

Declan: Yes.

Declan: I am only here for my fans.

Simon:

Simon: And you’re not here to help Tillman.

Declan: What, are you saying that I got a call from Tillman that he needed help winning the game, drove out here from Chicago, and then hid Tillman into the trunk of my car while hiding him underneath several dozen blankets which is still technically in bounds as I am on Choux Stadium property?

Howell: ...No?

Declan: Good! Because I didn’t!

Declan: Do that.

Howell:

Howell: Well it’s always good seeing you, Declan!

Howell: Bye!

Simon: Wait, you know Tillman’s in the trunk, why aren’t you calling him out for it?

Howell: I honestly don’t give a shit anymore. I got into a swordfight right after being betrayed by Esme and engaging in a cult ritual. I’ve had my fill for today.

Howell: Wanna play Mario Kart?

Simon: Sure

*Exit Howell and Simon to play Mario Kart Wii for the Nintendo Wii*

Declan: Phew.

Declan: That was close.

Tillman: I know right?

Tillman: 

Tillman: Declan you wanna make a blanket fort inside your car?

Declan: Fuck yeah.

CHAPTER 36 SEWER GAMERS

*Int The Sewage Tunnels Beneath the Stadium

Corn: Okay, so as long as we stick to the pipes beneath the stadium, we’re in-bounds.

Dickson: Okay, but how are you going to find the other two?

Corn: Esme is crafty, but she’s out in the open now. And I don’t think Tillman can be alone for more than like 15 minutes at a time without drawing attention to himself.

Dickson: Ok. 

Corn: Here, there’s a hidden alcove that no one should know about…

Dickson: Yeah except the Ninja Turtles!

Corn: The what?

Dickson: Do

DIckson: Do you not know the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?

Corn: Are you high

Dickson: I can’t believe I married you.

Corn: Shut up. Anyway, here it-

Esme:

Corn: -Is…

CHAPTER 37 THE HIDDEN ALCOLVE THAT NO ONE KNOWS ABOUT BUT NOT REALLY

Esme: You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.

Esme: Don’t you dare blow the whistle

Corn: I actually threw it off Stu’s airship.

Corn:It could be anywhere by now.

CHAPTER 32.5 SOMEWHERE OVER HAWAI’I

Spears Taylor:

Spears Taylor: OW!

Spears Taylor: What the fuck-

Spears Taylor: Who threw a whistle?

CHAPTER 37.5 THE BIG SPLIT

Esme: Well I guess I can’t stay here.

Dickson: I mean

Dickson: There’s like eleven seekers up there, it’ll only be a manner of time before they start checking the sewers.

Corn: Yeah, plus with Tillman still in the game, we can assume Vela is pissed…

CHAPTER 38 SHE IS

Vela: I’m pissed!

Snyder: I’m sorry

Vela: You knew that Tillman was still in the game, and you helped him?!

Vela: You’re parking on the street, buster!

Snyder: Technically I don’t own a car-

Vela: And you guys saw him on the couch and didn’t even blow a whistle for safety?

Vela: We went over this is basic fucking training!

Fitz: Hey so

Fitz: Is this game still going?

Fitz: Because like I think I’m getting sick.

Sebastian: What?

Sebastian: What do you mean?

Fitz: Well I went to the bathroom and I could’ve sworn I heard the toilets talking.

Vela: Wait

Vela: What were they talking about exactly?

Fitz: Hiding and shit.

Fitz: I think I’ve been playing for too long honestly…

Fitz: It’s been like fifteen hours at this point.

Fitz: I’m going to take a nap.

*Exit Fitz*

Vela: Sebastian...

Vela: ...Have we checked the sewers yet?

CHAPTER 39 GUNTHER CHECKS IN

*Int Shoe Thieves Lounge

Howell: Good game

Simon: Don’t give me that horse shit.

Simon: You only won because of the blue shell and you know it.

Howell: Blue shells are a part of the game-Don’t frontrun next time you fuckinnnnnn noob.

Simon: Yeah well at least I don’t play Diddy Kong.

Howell: What’s wrong with Diddy Kong?

Simon: Nothing except he’s a lil bitch.

Howell: Oh yeah well fuckinnn scoreboard

Simon: God shut up we’re doing rainbow road.

Gunther: Hey guys.

Gunther: Why aren’t you uhhhh looking for Tillman?

Gunther: Like I asked?

Howell: Because we found him.

Simon: He’s in the trunk of Declan’s car under some blankets.

Gunther: And

Gunther: Why exactly did you not blow your whistles?

Simon: Couldn’t be bothered

Howell: This game’s honestly boring as fuck right now.

Gunther:

Gunther: Well I’m going to go find him.

Howell: Go do that.

*Exit Gunther

Simon: Howell don’t you fucking use that red shell on me.

Simon: Howell

Simon: Howell pleaseeeee

Simon: HOWELLLLL

CHAPTER 40 THE FINAL THREE

*Int Sewers

Corn: Wait, I can hear them coming in…

Corn: We need to move.

Dickson: Alright, let’s go.

*Corn and Dickson Exit*

Esme:

Esme:

Esme: Strength in numbers I guess

*Esme follows them.*

Corn: What the fuck-

Esme: Look, I know a way up to the top here

Esme: If they think we’re still in the sewers…

Dickson: We can hide back in the stadium

Corn: Clever thinking.

*They run through the sewers, eventually ending at a ladder*

Corn: Okay, you two get up first.

Sebastian: Hey look footprints that are really obvious to see and that they in no one way covered.

Vela: Baller.

Esme: Shit-

Corn: Don’t worry.

Corn: I got this.

*Vela and Sebastian turn the corner*

Vela: Corn?

Vela: You’re...with them?

Sebastian: It was pretty obvious.

Sebastian: Like Corn opened a boiler to find Simon and flew up 20,000 feet into the air to find Stu, but couldn’t locate his husband?

Vela: Oh shit you right

Vela: Anyway

Vela’s Whistle:

*Corn throws the smoke bomb he picked up 24 Chapters ago*

Vela’s Whistle: *Tweet!*

Vela: Wait fuck-

Corn: That’s right, it doesn’t count!

Corn: Because you couldn’t see them!

Vela: Corn, your ass is parking on the street so hard!

Corn: Gladly, because if my hearing is correct…

*The sewer grate above the three of them closes*

Corn: Those two are already gone.

CHAPTER 41 GUNTHER’S FAILED BREAK IN

*Int Declan’s 2016 Chevrolet Equinox

Tillman: Your car smells really nice.

Declan: Yeah I put a bunch of those old spice sprayers around it.

Tillman: Oooooooh fancy!

Gunther: DECLAN

Gunther: Open this car right now!

Declan: Uhhhh

Declan: What’s the password?

Gunther: Uhhhhh

Gunther: Passw0rd?

Declan: Nope!

Gunther: ....Passw0rd1

Declan:

Declan: Shit that is the password.

Tillman: We’re still not letting you in.

Gunther: UNLOCK THESE DOORS RIGHT NOW!

Tillman: Never!

Declan: Yeah! Besides, the car isn’t even locked, so even if I wanted to I couldn’t unlock them.

Tillman: 

Tillman: what

Gunther: Haha I got you now, Tillman!

Gunther:

Gunther:

Gunther: I can’t open these doors.

Declan: Oh right!

Declan: Flippers.

Tillman: HA! #Owned!

Declan: Did 

Declan: Did you just say ‘Hashtag-Owned’ out loud?

Tillman:

Tillman: Yeah.

Declan: Dude.

Declan: That’s pretty rad.

CHAPTER 42 THEY SURFACE

*Esme and Dickson Emerge from a floor grate*

Esme: Fuck…

Esme: Where are we?

Dickson: Uhhhhhhh

Dickson: I think we’re outside the infrimrary.

Esme: Yeah.

Dickson:

Dickson: Well now it gets interesting.

Esme: Hey-

Esme: Whoever wins…

Esme: It better not be Tillman.

Dickson: Oh for sure.

Dickson: This has been...fun?

Esme: I really enjoyed hanging with you at least.

Dickson: Despite the weird...start.

Esme: Past is in the past.

Dickson: Anyway-

Dickson: We should do it more often!

Esme: Of for sure!

Dickson: But not right now-I got a game to win.

Esme: OOOOOOOOOH You’re on! 

Dickson: This is where things get interesting.

Esme: Yeah!

Esme: I think this game is far from over-

*Fitz Exits the Infrimirary*

CHAPTER 43 FITZ WOKE UP FROM HIS NAP

Fitz:

Esme:

Dickson:

Fitz’s Whistle: 

CHAPTER 44 MEANWHILE

Declan: Man this blanket fort kicks ass

Tillman: Hell yeah dude

Tillman: Hey is Gunther gone yet?

Declan: Here let me check

Declan:

Declan: No, all I can see is a brick hurtling really fast towards my passenger window.

Declan’s Window: *SMASH*

*Gunther jumps in throw the hole in the window*

Gunther: GOTCHA

Gunther’s Whistle:

CHAPTER 45 GAME OVER

Gunther’s and Fitz’s Whistle at the Same Time: *TWEET!*

CHAPTER 46 VELA REVIEWS THE FOOTAGE

*Int Howell’s Spy Bunker

Howell: Hey so

Howell: It’s a tie.

Vela: It’s a tie?

Howell: Yeah. Like Gunther gets them on the exact same frame Fitz blows her whistle.

Vela: 

Vela: Fuck.

CHAPTER 47 ESME AND CORNELIUS

*Int Outside Vela’s Office

Esme: Hey Street-Parker.

Corn: Oh.

Corn: Hey, Dickson told me about why you wanted to win

Corn: Sorry about getting competitive on you.

Esme: Sorry about tying up your husband and blackmailing you into performing some kind of dark ritual to find Blood Hamburger.

Corn: Oh yeah wait yours is much worse.

Esme: Ha, sucks to suck!

Corn: You already used that line.

Esme:

Corn: Are we cool?

Corn: I know we haven’t really been close…

Corn: Ever.

Corn: But I don’t know what this team would do without you.

Corn: And it would be a fucking crime if you didn’t get that parking spot.

Esme: Yeah.

Esme: Dickson told me why you wanted to win…

Esme: It’s…

Corn: Stupid?

Esme: A little. Well a lot.

Esme: Honestly, I think you could give him a better present than ‘a parking space you had to hid in a dumpster for.’

Esme: But it was pretty sweet.

Corn:

Corn: It’s weird how it’s just the three of us now.

Esme: Huh?

Corn: You, me, and Vela.

Corn: We’re the last 3 players from Season 1.

Esme: God.

Esme: Where did all the time go?

Corn: I dunno.

Corn: 

Corn: Well, I better move my car.

Corn: Vela said “I will burn your fucking shitty ass Lexus ES if it isn’t out of the parking lot by 5:37”

Esme: Take care, Corn.  
Corn: See you around, Esme.

*Exit Corn.*

Esme:

*Vela opens the door*

Vela: Come on in.

CHAPTER 48 THE TIE BREAKER

*Int Vela’s Office

Tillman: When did you get an office?

Vela: Uhhhh I got to decide the budget this year.

Vela: Let’s just say I gave myself a little somethin-somethin.

Tillman: Baller.

Dickson: So what happens now?

Vela: Well, as you know the prize is one priority parking space, but due to the tie-

Dickson: I think Esme should get it. She deserves it for all her commitment to the team.

Esme: What?

Esme: No fuck you.

Esme: I think Richardson should get it. It means a lot to him and I wouldn’t have won without him.

Tillman: Uh

Tillman: I think I should get it because I’m super fucking cool and rad.

Vela:

Vela: I was going to say that due to the tie we could just make three priority parking spots for each of you.

Vela: But if you all are so opposed to the idea of letting me finish talking…

Esme: No do that!

Dickson: Yeah do the…

Dickson: Do that thing!

Tillman: Hey Vela.

Tillman: Domino’sriffic.

Vela:

Vela: heh.

Dickson: I don’t get it.

Esme: Yeah what the fuck is Domino’sriffic?

Tillman: You had to be there to get it.

CHAPTER 49 ALLS WELL..

*Int Shoe Thieves Parking Lot, 2 Weeks Later

Esme: Wow they got this done fast!

*Esme parks her car.*

Esme:

Esme: You know, this feels

Esme: Right.

Dickson: Hey Esme!

Esme: Hey Dickson!

Dickson: Hey Esme!

Esme: Hey Dickson!

Dickson: Hey Esme!

Esme: Hey Dickson!

Dickson: Hey Esme!

Esme: Hey Dickson!

Corn: Oh my god will you two shut up please

Dickson: Hey

Esme: What

Dickson: Hey Esme!

Esme: Hey Dickson!

Dickson: Hey Esme!

Esme: Hey Dickson!

Corn: This was a mistake.

Dickson: Don’t mind him, he’s just mad he has to carpool with me now or he’ll have to park on the street!

Corn: His car smells

Corn: So bad Esme.

Esme: Serves you right for cheating at Hide and Seek.

Corn: Haven’t I been punished enough yet?

Dickson: Nope!

*Dickson kisses Corn on the cheek*

Dickson: But I still love ya!

Esme: Awwwwwwwwwwww!

Dickson: Anyway we’d better get out before-

*Tillman’s Car Pulls up Blasting Nightcore*

CHAPTER 50 THE ENDS WELL?

Tillman: What’s up mfers!

Tillman: I got the middle spot so you both can hang out with me!

Tillman: Fuck yeahhhhhhhhh!

Dickson:

Esme: This wasn’t worth it.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

EPILOGUE

*Int Lovers Love Lounge

Jaylen Hotdogfingers: Yo Alex!

Alexander Horne: Yeah?

Jaylen: Look at this shit-

Alex: Ooh yeah Vela told me about that too.

Alex: It’s a weirdly compact for a story

Alex: Like they never leave the Stadium except that one time?

Jaylen: Yeah

Jaylen: Plus if they had three minutes to hide how did Stu get her airship that high without anyone noticing?

Alex: And why was Gunther so rude?

Alex: Isn’t he supposed to be nice?

Jaylen: Yeah, plus Declan being there felt like

Jaylen: Well like it was meant for someone or a group of people.

Jaylen: Sort of like an appeasement.

Alex: At least Sebastian and Fitz were actually in this story.

Alex: Even though we never learned what Fitz’s hiding plan was, I thought she was supposed to be smart of something.

Alex: Plus Corn being the driving force felt a little weird.

Jaylen: Yeah and Esme and Dickson teaming up felt sort of…

Jaylen: Rushed?

Alex: Plus you’d think getting a parking space wouldn’t be that hard.

Jaylen: And they never really fully explained the out-of-bounds rule.

Jaylen: Like there’s got to be a height where it’s out, yeah?

Alex: It feels like the smoke bomb was thrown in last second.

Alex: it was kind of lazy to be honest...

Jaylen: Plus I think they did the “HEY” Joke from Snyder Loses the Remote and pointing out you reused a joke doesn’t make it better.

Alex: Also a 3-way tie?

Alex: What kind of ending is that?

Jaylen: I think it was there so everyone can win kind of

Alex: Except Stu, apparently.

Jaylen: Yeah, yeesh.

Alex: Speaking of why didn’t Stu use her swords? 

Jaylen: So many missed opportunities for a Stu v. Corn swordfight...

Alex: Fun read though.

Jaylen: Maybe a little shorter than I would’ve hoped.

Alex: It’s a little weird that she sent this story to you though

Jaylen: Please, it’s a wacky blaseball story!

Jaylen: I’m always in these kind of things.


End file.
